Turmoil

I counted out about $130 this morning. It wasn't mine. The small piles of sorted bills were intended for one of the people I supervise. Her daugter died last week. She was young, and the death was needless and preventable. I can't fathom losing a child that way. Honestly, I yet to really lose anyone to accident; age and illness, certainly, but not accident of violence.

I've been the keeper of this money since the poeple at work heard about the death. Being her supervisor, it just sort of works that way. I'm the bearer of information and condolences; I seek out the news reports and buy the card. I work the phone and take up the cash and find the funeral home. The money is the thing that gets to me, though.

I understand why we do it, on an intellectual level. Someone's going to have expenses and be out of work for a while. It's a way of saying, "I noticed, I care." Acquaintances can toss in something even if they don't feel close enough to call. It feels ... odd, though. The idea of mixing sympathy and money won't reconcile itself in my mind. Some people give significantly, but then the smaller donations look strange. What do three dollars say about your relationship with someone? Does it really say anything?

I received a bonus check around the time this happened. I thought a long time about just putting the whole thing in. I wasn't expecting the money. It'd be no loss to me, right? I've had the same internal conflict about it over and over. She'll need the money; there's no question. She wouldn't know that it was me, or that anyone had individually given that much; I was going to change all the small bills to large at the bank, anyway. Then, I also think that she wouldn't know the difference. She's not going to go through it and try to match money to people.

At any rate, I've always flet odd about giving money after a death, regardless of whether I had "spare" money to give. That just enhanced the strangeness of it. I try my best to be a good person. I like doing things for others; it helps keep me sane. I think it's an obligation of living in and enjoying the benefits of a modern society. The money thing just doesn't sit right, though. As useful as it is, as well as the gesture is probably going to be taken, it strikes me as crass and unfeeling compared to the loss. I feels like, when I hand this over, I'll be saying, "We're sorry your loved one is dead. Since we can't bring her back, here's a card and some money." I understand the reality of it, but something in my makeup just rails that the whole practice is an insult to human dignity and value.

I'm wrong, I think. That doesn't change how it feels, though.

Ah, Summer

The AC at work is broken, and the normal temp around here is a nice, humid 100 degrees. Crush that together with steam-jacketed mixing tanks, an extra layer of clothing, and no air movement, and you've got a recipie for the "Who Falls Out First" charity raffle and betting pool. It's not as bad as it used to be though. A couple of years back, I walked into the batching room at six AM, and there was a cloud. Not a cloud of dust, or just a lot of mist; it was a freakin' cloud. You couldn't see the room from one side to the other.

Anyway, the highlights of this week are: Daughter has been accepted to wacky religious nutjob daycare. Now, you might think this slightly insane, if you bother to browse the links to the right, but options are limited around here. We wanted a top preschool. The only decent preschools in the area are religious. Bah. Bah, Bah, Bah. I have examined the curriculum, however, and it doesn't get really loopy until a few years down the road, by which time my kids will be in real school and not attending this place. The other "plus" is that, while my daughter is now gone from my mother-in-law's smoke-choked pit, I get the privilege of shelling out an additional $100 a week for this boon. Sigh. At least my review is coming up, and my raise should cover about half that. Overtime, here I come (at least until the boy hits kindergarden next year).

My other happy this week came in the form of a lot of loose gems that I won at auction. I got 20 carats worth of peridot, amethyst, garnet, and silver topaz. That, along with some other items I already had, filled out a row in the display case I got for my birthday. Yay!

Perhaps a philosophical post next time.