Thursday, February 11, 2010


Did you ever have that one friend that you lost contact with, but never really figured out why? I've been thinking some about my friend April. It's one of those thigs that makes me sort of happy, but always ends up with some sadness.

I met her during the summer I spent at the state Honors Academy. Basically, they crammed about 120 of the top students in the state into a college dorm, threw in some top-end educators, mixed in some Russians, and set us loose. I met April pretty early on, as the cliques and groups formed. In any group like that, there are going to be quite a few social misfits, though not as many as you might think; not all achievers are academic geeks.

In any case, she landed in the same group as me. I got along, as I do with most everybody, and, this being me in high school, I was in full-on "nice guy" mode. So, I tossed out the complements, held doors, etc. It was nothing special; I was doing it for everybody. April acted like no one had ever done it for her before, though. She practically tackled me with a hug when I told her she wasn't fat (she wasn't). In any case, we were friends. There was nothing even remotely romantic there, on either end; that kind of chemistry just wasn't present, and we were both all the more comfortable with each other for it. I wasn't trying, and it made familiarity easy. At one point, there was a long game of Coed Naked Hell-Bastard Mao where we each ended up in possession of the other's shorts (outer, not inner). The game was subsequently broken up by the authorities (such as they were), and in order to leave with at least a little dignity, we put on the only pant-like items we had. Exchanges were made later.

It was a good month, overall. Of course, there was a hell of a lot more going on than just us hanging out; we all had other friends, classes, and activities. There were other things going on, as well. I remember April chasing her roommate, screaming and fighting because the girl had called her a slut. April was in tears with anger, because she "was a virgin". I don't remember if she was chasing the girl with a knife, or if she simply wished she had a knife; that's a bit fuzzy.

We had a big formal dinner at the end of it all; I sat next to April and held her hand while she cried about it all being over. It was that kind of month. We wrote a few letters (not love letters, as my parents somehow assumed; it would be hard to consider the latest news about her various boyfriends to be such), and she was about 80% of the reason I was willing to attend a reunion of the Academy. Another 10% was that I only lived a couple of miles away from the place. We had a good time, and continued to stay in touch. She sent me a set of graduation pictures.

College came, as it does. I ended up at the college next door, April landed at Johns Hopkins. We continued to stay in touch, now including the wonders of email in the mix. She somehow managed to start the first fight between me and my initial roommate (not to be the last by far). We were on the phone together a lot. She was more interesting than most everyone I knew at school, and it was easier to spend money on phone charges than to meet new people. April even insisted on regularly talking to my second roommate, a fraternity brother named Jay. She loved his accent, and called him a "cowboy". That's how she'd always ask to speak to him; "Let me talk to the cowboy."

Around this time, another member of our mutual academy group transferred to my college. I put John and April back in touch, and we continued hanging and being friends. John decided to go up to Hopkins for a visit over spring break, and studiously put me off about joining him. When school was back in, April called me ranting. She thought John was her friend, but he had made the trip in an attempt to hook up. Him putting me off made more sense, then, whether he thought of me as competition or simply a third wheel.

Some more time passed, she burned out on school, and dropped out of Hopkins. She moved back home with some friends and started working. We stayed in touch, still, but things were different. April had changed. She simply wasn't as happy as she'd been before, and she started looking for things to make her happy. I sent her cassettes in the mail, and we'd sit for along time talking about the music.

April decided suddenly that she needed to come down for a visit. We talked about it for a few days, though a few things were weird. I couldn't reach her at her regular phone number, and she insisted that I not pick her up from the bus station, despite it being in the middle of nowhere. I talked to her right before she was supposed to leave, at maybe three in the morning. When the time for her to arrive came, I waited in the dorm lobby for three hours before I gave up.

After that, there was nothing. About a month later, her mother called my home number, demanding to speak to her daughter. My parents were a touch confused. It seems that April had spent days telling people (including me) she was coming to visit me, up until the very day she was supposed to arrive. At that point, she vanished. The best we could piece together is that she had probably taken some money from the till at work, panicked when it was discovered, laid a trail leading to me, and ran another direction. That hurt. A lot.

About a year later, I wrote a long letter to her old Johns Hopkins email account, trying to express what was going on inside. I never really expected or wanted her to read it. It never bounced, so there's a chance that she had some sort of remote access, but I really doubt that those words ever reached her. It was a catharsis for me; incomplete, but it gave me at least a little closure. It still left me sad.

I still carry her pictures around, though they're a bit worse for wear (especially after that dog ate most of my wallet). I don't know why I do it. She's not "the one that got away"; things were never even on that plane. I guess I'm still sort of waiting in the lobby of my dorm for my friend.